Not Dead, Just Digesting

A Snack-Sized Life Update

When I Last Left You...

Whew. The last two months have been a lot.
When I last left you here, I was deep in burnout—crispy, crunchy, and barely functioning. I’d been in my current role at work for five years, and I’d hit that wall where nothing felt new, inspiring, or even tolerable anymore. The tasks I was assigned didn’t suit me, and the only reason I had been good at them for so long was because… well, I was anxious.

That same anxiety made me fast, detail-oriented, and hyperaware. Until it made me sick.

Over time, the urgency, the overwhelm, the sheer amount of information and sensory input just fried me. I started to shut down—sometimes completely—at work. Some days, I wanted to chuck a radio across the room just to drown out the noise of it all.

And when a coworker who shared my discontent was on shift with me, we fed off each other. That loop of burnout and bitterness went on for months. Eventually, she left. But I stayed… and then life hit in a way I could never have prepared for.

Then My Brother Died

Eighteen months ago, my younger brother died unexpectedly in a car accident.

I took it hard. Because he was my brother, of course—but also because of my own history. I’d been in a fatal car accident when I was in my teens. I’d developed an eating disorder to cope with big, scary emotions which eventually started numbing even the little everyday emotions. Like everyone else, I have generational wounds I’m working on healing. My mental health was already shaky. And my family’s complicated relationship with my brother’s ex-wife (who is now my nephew’s only parent) has only made the grief more layered, more painful, and more complex to navigate.

The Seed That Grew This Blog

In February, I set a quiet intention for my 45th year:
To treat my health, my body, and my life as precious—not as an afterthought.

Not for a glow-up.
Not for a before-and-after post.
But because I was tired of shrinking.
Tired of people-pleasing.
Tired of abandoning myself to fit the mold.

This blog was born from that seed.

But in July, I finally did something new: I spoke up. I told my boss I was drowning. That I had been, even before my brother died. And that I needed a change.

The big boss didn’t love it. But my supervisor? He went to bat for me. And in the end, I got what I needed:

Breathing room.

I’ve been working from home for almost two months now. A new assignment with a better schedule and tasks that suit me. And I’m not wasting it.

Life Kept Happening (As It Does)

While I’ve been adjusting, life has just kept life-ing.

Goblin—our 7-year-old pit mix—is heading into TPLO surgery on September 30. He’s been on activity restrictions, meds, and also has a bonus ear hematoma. Because of course he does.

We lost two of our five senior rats—Littlefoot and Ducky—in the span of weeks. Spike has started showing signs of hind leg degeneration. It’s been hard, heartbreaking, and expensive. Our CareCredit went from $0 to $4,500 in the blink of an eye, and that doesn’t even include Goblin’s upcoming surgery or rehab.

Grief and finances love to hold hands.

But Here’s What I Have Done

In the quiet of this new season, I’ve started to move again.
Not just physically—but internally. Emotionally. Spiritually.

• I’ve decluttered our basement, laundry room, office, and spare room.

• We painted our bedroom and started turning it into a sanctuary.

• I’ve gotten more active—sometimes joyful movement, sometimes just “do the thing” movement.

• I finally made the appointment I’ve been putting off and started care at MNCOME (MN Center for Obesity, Metabolism, and Endocrinology) to take better care of my diabetes, and my health overall.

• I’ve been on Ozempic for several months now—tolerating it well, and for the first time maybe ever, actually feeling hunger and fullness cues. (Turns out, those weren’t just theoretical.) Downside? It’s pretty much shut off my thirst drive, so water intake has to be intentional. Like, "make a damn sticker chart" intentional.

• We’re cooking at home SO.MUCH.MORE. which means generally eating healthier AND saving money. I mean - we have to, if we’re going to afford all these vet visits, right?

• I’ve been doing some spiritual poking around - which is a lot for someone who’s historically been... let’s just say, antagonistically atheist. I have a deep distrust of organized religion and a ride-or-die belief in the separation of church and state.

So… Why the Silence?

Because I was living the very things I say matter here.
Because I was healing in ways that don’t look good on Instagram.
Because I was too tired to document the mess—and too proud to fake the progress.

But I’m still here.
Still healing.
Still hungry.

So if you’re still reading, thank you. I missed you. Let’s see what grows from here.

🥣 Emergency Snack Pack:

Grounding practice for when you feel like you’ve fallen behind.
Sit down. Put one hand on your heart and one on your gut.
Say: “I haven’t been behind. I’ve been in the dirt. And I’m starting to sprout.”

Then drink some damn water. Your meds can wait 30 seconds.

🍴 Leftovers from the Shame Buffet (Journal Prompt):

“Where have I mistaken rest, grief, or silence for failure?”